Wednesday, December 28, 2005

For James Urbaniak, it started innocently enough: with a Livejournal. But that proved merely a gateway to a Blogger account. And that led this once practical actor to the final circle of internet hell: Myspace. Would there ever be a way out for...THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN BLOG

I'm tellin' ya, doc, it's makin' me nuts! I don't eat, I don't sleep! All I do is blog!

I see. Und may I ask vhy you are playing drums in my office?

To keep my hands occupied, doc! Otherwise, I'd be rolling up my sleeves and bloggin' on your computer! Man, I got an internet monkey on my back and it just won't quit!

Hmmm. You appear to have a serious addiction.

Crazy. Tell me something I don't know, daddy-o.
He plays a savage rhythm on his drums. Later that night in his apartment...

Uuuurghh!! NOOOO!!! Must...resist!!!

Minutes later...

"Current Mood: Restless."

The next day James talks to his friend Dane Cook.*
(*Dramatic condensation; the two do not actually know each other.)

Dude, get over your guilt trip! How do you think I got so famous? The internet! You build your fan base as you build your career. It's a beautiful thing!

I know. It's just that Myspace seems...

...kinda gay?


Dude, I don't mean gay like gay. I mean junior high gay. Gay like stupid. Well, it is. But so what? Newsflash, dude: so's Livejournal. The whole internet is gay.

What? What are you talking about?

I'm working on a bit, chill out. But seriously, dude: you know you love it.

Later that night, James plays his drums. But the siren call of his computer beckons...




"Current mood: AWESOME!!!"


James Urbaniak...Frank Sinatra
Psychiatrist..........Sig Ruman
Dane Cook...........Himself

(c) 2005 Voucher Ankles Films
Sig Ruman appears courtesy Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer


Blogger Mark said...

Excellent story, it had a beginning, a middle and an end? Well, I hope not. I have to know what happens in the sequel, quitting now would be like only having 6 episodes of Star Wars, what about the last 3, huh?

Though I did enjoy it myself, I'm afaid that I will have to give this in-tele-play a TV MA (S, L) rating. I must ask that viewers of this page only look at it after 11:00PM local time.

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Tell your wife that there are support groups for blogger addicts' "widows."

You should get a new hobby -like sleeping, for instance.

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Although funny, that story was inherently racist. And sexist, if only because of Sinatra.

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Blogger Urbaniak said...

Racist? You mean because of Sig Ruman's ostensibly stereotypical portrayal of a German psychiatrist? Sig really talks that way!

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I most laud the symbolic use of the drum as a metaphor for the human condition, mercilessly beaten down by the corporate-industrial complex.

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I say it was racist because the psychiatrist looks like Rip Torn, who played a racist gangster in the movie "Slaughter", starring Jim Brown.

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Blogger Urbaniak said...

Ah. Got it. Yes, it does look like Rip Torn inherited Sig Ruman's old beard. Your confusion is understandable.

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Blogger Devilvet said...

Can I say dude, if you really are James Urbaniak, you're one of my favorites?

First saw you years ago in Foreman's "Universe".

I wish I had loads of cash to cast you in a zillion things.

Alright enough! Sign my T-shirt!

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Blogger Urbaniak said...

You saw "The Universe?" Wow. That was ten years ago!

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I was a theatre student from FSU. It was my first trip to NYC. I had read about Foreman, but hadn't seen any. I was so blown away I actually went back and saw it twice.

I guess, it being my first trip to NY and my first foreman show and the fact you were great in it, well It made me a bit of a fan. I love Venture Bros by the way too.

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